A Bit of Mish Mash for Tuesday

Your Mama has a little mish-mashing to do this morning.

1.
The first item we would like to discuss is the comely casa on N. Catalina Street in Los Angeles' Los Feliz neighborhood that everyone besides Your Mama has been reporting is owned and being offered for sale at $3,697,000 by the exceedingly well paid prostie luvvin' sitcom star Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) and his third legal ladee-mate Brooke Mueller.
According to the listing agents in a recent report in the increasingly anemic Hot Property column in the L.A. Times, after forking over $2,575,000 for the 4,179 square foot crib in November of 2007 and spending a year and boo-coo bucks rehabbing the residence, Mister Sheen and Missus Third Sheen have decided to sell the property (pictured above) because they desire bigger digs in which to raise their expanding family.

Now listen chickens, Your Mama does not know nuthin' from a dung beetle but according to three–that's right, three–of our better connected informants this is not entirely accurate because while Mister Sheen and Missus Third Sheen do own the property in question, they do not nor have they ever officially occupied the house in Los Feliz.

Each of the sources we questioned whispered in Your Mama's big ear that Mister Sheen and Missus Third Sheen live in a 7,924 square foot manse in the guard gated Mulholland Estates community in the hills above Sherman Oaks. Records show that Mister Sheen paid $7,200,000 for the 5 bedroom and 7 pooper property in April of 2006 during the bloody dee-vorce from his second ex-wife Denise Richards.

For what it's worth, Mulholland Estates is the same gated community that perplexedly successful Paris Hilton lives as well as tee-vee ack-tress Judith Light, British pop star Robby Williams (who has reportedly decamped back to the U.K.), boob-toob bench sitter Judge Greg Mathis, cheese ball crooner Tom Jones, letter turner Vanna White and a few others we won't bother to bother with today.

2.
Not that many if any of the children have anything that even resembles sympathy for them, but it's not been a good couple of weeks for Bernie and Ruth Madoff. Yesterday, to a cacophony of cheers and tears, the justifiably vilified Ponzi putz was sentenced to a stunning 150 years in the pokey for his grisly financial shenanigans that left thousands destitute. Last week, his bird-like wife Ruth was ordered to vacate the couple's posh apartment on Manhattan's Upper East Side of which the NY Daily News somehow has interior photos*. Of note, according to the article, are the $35,000 carpet and the $20,000 tea table.

*Reader beware: The fine folks at CityFile have heard the photos were included in a coffee table book about Manhattan interior dee-zine style and are 20 years old. So really kids, who knows if this is the expensive frippery Miz Madoff is currently living with and soon to be giving up.

In addition to their nifty New York apartment–located in the same building where the Today Show's Matt Lauer paid $5,882,353 for a sixth floor crib in 2004 and expected to be sold for somewhere around seven or eight million clams–the gubbamint also seized the couple's water front property in Palm Beach, a beach house in Montauk, NY and a modest but expensive condo in the super swish South of France. All properties are expected to be liquidated and sold off with any proceeds going to the many victims of Madoff's Machiavellian scheme.

According to the floor plan that made its way around the interweb (and which we are not at all convinced is the actual plan of the Madoff penthouse), the East 64th Street apartment includes a private elevator landing that opens to a small foyer. At the front of the apartment is a living room with a fireplace, a corner library and dining room. A large butler's pantry separates the dining room from the small kitchen which in turn leads to 3 sinfully small staff rooms that all share just one terlit. The master bedroom includes a large dressing room and small bathroom. Each of the other three bedrooms also features a private pooper.

A new and salacious report in the always entertaining NY Post reveals that poor Ruthie, once a pampered woman who is now reduced to riding the subway like a common person, is having a wee of trouble finding new rented digs. Maybe one of her sons will make room for her in one of their pricey properties in New York or Greenwich, CT.

3.
Since everyone else is talking about the recently deceased King of Pop Michael Jackson, we figured we might as well too. Thanks to the ever intrepid Legal Eagle, Your Mama was directed to an article in the Daily News which recently reported that Mister Jackson had been planning to relocate to a England this week where he was scheduled to reside in a Chislehurst, Kent estate called Foxbury Manor during his much anticipated 50-show run at London's O2 Arena.

Foxbury Manor was built in 1875, stands three stories tall and measures either 22,000 or 26,000 square feet depending on which report one reads. Although the house originally had as many as 32 bedrooms, the current owners reduced the count in a recent renovation to just 11 behemoth bedroom suites including an 1,800 square foot master suite. The recently rehabbed estate is reported to have password-controlled entrances and state of the art security systems–natch–and, while hardly the circus that Neverland Ranch was, recreational facilities are reported to include a private lake, a music room, an underground cinema and an indoor swimming pool.

The rumored to have been impoverished Mister Jackson reportedly paid a whopping £1,000,000 to lease the Grade II listed mansion until February of 2010. But alas...

Of course, anyone with a damn television knows that Mister Jackson and his three children–who may or may not be his biological children according to scandalous report–were last living in a leased mansion on N. Carolwood Drive in the Holmby Hills area of Los Angeles for which he was reportedly paying $100,000 per month.

The fate of Mister Jackson's once beloved Neverland Ranch remains up in the air, but the family is reportedly planning a public viewing of Mister Jackson's dead body this Friday at the ranch even though he was adamant that he would never live on the property again because it had been tainted by the allegations of child molestation. Lard have mercy chickens. Your Mama can't think of anything creepier and less dignified than the spectacle that will surely come down during a public viewing of Michael Jackson's dead body at Neverland Ranch. All those Screaming Mimis coming from miles around clamoring to get a damn photo of his dead body? Come on. This don't have nuthin' to do with the real estate and certainly this ain't none of Your Mama's bizness, but does that wackadoodle Jackson family really think this is a good idea? Pleeze.

4.
In other Michael Jackson related real estate rumor and gossip...

Your Mama hears from a someone we'll call Wanda Wannachat that Mister Jackson's (former) manager a–mysterious man named Dr. Tohme R. Tohme who is neither a doctor of any kind or an "Abassador at Large" to the country Senegal as his website proclaims–is in contract to buy a $5,800,000 mansion in Bel Air. However, now that faux doctor's golden goose is no more all the real estate peeps involved are on pins and needles wondering if the deal is going to stick together. Just rumor and gossip children, rumor and gossip.

Update: Madonna

Everyone, including their sister's mother's husband's third cuzzin and her baby daddy's other baby momma already know that ever since mid-April of 2009 rumors and reports have been swirling and sliding down the gossip grapevine about the one and only material mommy Madonna snatching up a size queen friendly 12,000 square foot triple-wide townhouse on the Upper East Side of New York that was last listed with a fearsome $42,000,000 asking price.

Well children, according to the New York Times, the sale is finally confirmed and "brokers briefed on the transaction" are blabbing that the Kabbalah Kween (K.K.) paid a spine tingling $32,500,000 for the East. 81st Street property. Is anyone really surprised that the formidable K.K. was able to get the sellers to whack nearly ten million clams off the asking price? Your Mama sure isn't.

The 57-foot wide 5 story house, located at the very edge of what many New York City real estate snobs would consider an acceptable address, includes two entrances, a rare and private 2-car garage with direct entry to the house, 2 dry bars, 2 kitchens with 2 pantries and 2 dumb waiters, 1 elevator, 9 fireplaces, 38 closets (or something like that), 13 bedrooms, 12+ bathrooms, and a private 3,000 square foot garden where K.K. reportedly wants to keep a few chickens in a coop to remind her of Ashscome House, the 1,200 acre estate that she gave to the ex-Mr. K.K. Guy Ritchie in the big dee-vorce.

Interestingly, according to the New York Times, the house is out of range of the New York City Landmarks Preservation Commission and can be doubled in size under current zoning laws.

Alan Jackson's Southern Spread

SELLER: Alan Jackson
LOCATION: Moran Road, Franklin, TN
PRICE: $38,000,000
SIZE: 19,000 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 7 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magnificent offering w/o compare. Bordered by Harpeth River, surrounded by equestrian estates. Amenities include stocked & aerated lake w/boat house & 3 ponds, 20 car garage, gymnasium, 2 bed log cabin overlooking river, barn w/2 bed apt above,pole barn & more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Sorry for the delay children, Your Mama has had our big BMW in the damn shop all morning (and for the fourth time) with a niggling problem those people cain't seem to get fixed and it has left us exhausted, humorless and in search of a giant pitcher of mid-day gin and tonics.

Every now and then a celebrity owned property comes along that's really more resort than residence. Such is the case with new country music super star Alan Jackson's legendarily leviathan Franklin, TN spread that recently landed on the open market with a not very down home asking price of $38,000,000. This turn of events probably isn't much of a surprise with Nashvillians since just a couple of weeks ago Mister Jackson actually hinted to the good people at Nashville Scene that he and the wifey were considering lightening their real estate load and settling down into something a little less high maintenance.

Although Your Mama lurves us some old school country crooning we knew not a thing about Mister Jackson when we received word of the listing from Franky Franklin. A quick sweep across the interweb learned Your Mama that his heyday was the 1990s when he earned a slew of Country Music Award nominations, has been inducted into the Grand Ole Opry and in 2001 wrote some sort of sappy patriotic paean regarding the events of nine-eleven that shot him to the top of the charts, catapulted him back into the mainstream limelight, made him the belle of the NASCAR ball and more than likely earned him more money than Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will see in a long lifetime.

In 1993, after buying up 135 rural acres in Franklin, TN bordered on two sides by the slim and winding Harpath River, Mister Jackson and his memoir writing wifey Denise spent two years building a massive and many-pillared monument to their new found wealth and success which is reported to measure in at around 19,000 square feet. Mister and Missus Jackson quaintly dubbed the estate Sweetbriar, which this Yankee imagines is pronounced Sweetbraher by all those people with that wonderful southern drawl that Your Mama likes so much.

Listing information for the colossal faux-Colonial style mansion on Moran Road reveals there are 6 bedrooms and 9 terlits spread throughout 7 full and 2 half poopers. The front gates open to a long, dead straight drive way that leads a circular motor court and the entrance hall has maple floors and two circular staircases rising to the family's private quarters at either end. To the east of the long French door lined entrance hall, according to listing information and previous reports, is a hotel lobby-like living room with shiny wood floors, adouble height ceiling, a monolithic curved wall of paned glass at one end and a Chevy-sized chandelier, The massive Mexican-marble fireplace surround is identical twin of the one in the adjacent dining room. Nearby is Mister Jackson's private paneled office where he reportedly keeps half a dozen gee-tars, a few of his many music awards and a tie that reportedly belonged to country king Hank Williams.

The west wing contains the oddly configured, maple and travertine floored country kitchen that is open to an informal breakfast room and the humongous family room anchored by a massive stone fireplace, filled with a truckload of beige and brown comestibles, rising to a double height ceiling with two very tall walls of paned glazing, and opening into a glassed in porch that looks out over the cee-ment pond and the pancake flat rear grounds of the estate.

Stuffed from carpet to ceiling with all things beige and gold and neutral colored, the master suite is far too Architectural Digest-y for Your Mamas personal preferences in home day-core. There are heavy moldings, a coffered ceilings, one of the home's 5 fireplaces and dual bathrooms including a beige and brown marble checker-floored number with a circular soaking tub, weird mood lighting and a ficus tree in the corner that we'd bet everything we have is fake.

The vast grounds include a 20-car garage where Mister Jackson keeps all his many vintage automobiles, a separate barn-like building that houses the indoor tennis and basketball court, several fenced pastures, 3 small ponds plus one 10 acre pond that has been stocked with fish and includes a three bay boat house and a white sand beach, a lake side barn with a 2 bedroom guest or staff apartment on the second floor and a large stone patio with an outdoor fireplace overlooking the lake where the Jackson's could host cook-outs and fish frys for 100 or more of their closest friends. And let's not forget the ATV/go cart track or the grass airplane runway which Mister Jackson (no longer maintained). At the far end of the property, as far from the main house as is possible sits a 2-bedroom log cabin that is perched along the gurgling river Harpath River.

It's quite possible the country music couple have already purchased their next, smaller and less lavish property. Property records show the Jackson's own all kinds of property around Nashville including a lake side property in Smithville where Mister Jackson will perhaps next hang his cowboy hat.

A Big Deal in the Big D

SELLER: Larry and Joyce Lacerte
BUYER: Kelcy Warren
LOCATION: Park Lane, Dallas, TX
PRICE: rumored to be $30,000,000-ish
SIZE: 26,620 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 10 full and 6 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A big estate in Preston Holler

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In an era when foreclosures, falling home prices, and real estate doom and gloom is the order of the day, it's easy to forget that a lot of rich people are still filthy, stinking, vaingloriously rich and tossing big money around on palatial properties like it was 2005. One such Daddy Warbucks is Texas energy executive Kelcy Warren who recently forked over a spectacular amount of money for the undeniably lavish and architecturally dignified Dallas, TX estate of software tycoon Larry Lacerte and his wifey Joyce.

Your Mama first learned of the tremendous transaction from dee-voon Dallas real estate gossip Candy Evans who spilled the juicy beans about the purchase back on June 17. According to information provided to the enviably well informed Miss Candy, the 8.7 acre estate on posh Park Lane in the pricey Preston Holler* area of Dallas was first quietly shopped around last year with a hair raising asking price of $45,00,000. That rumored figure was reportedly reduced to a still hair raising $40,000,000. Then, according to Miss Candy, along comes Warbucks Warren who is believed to have dropped somewhere around $30,000,000 for the property. If true, and we have no reason to believe it is not because Miss Candy does not fool around with her facts, the sale would represent the largest amount of money ever paid for a pad in Old Preston Holler.

Texans proudly declare that, "Everything is Bigger in Texas" and children if y'all have ever been to Texas–and Your Mama most surely has–then you know them sun-kissed tawny Texans love them some big trucks, big churches, big hair, and big bank accounts. At a boo-teek hotel-sized 26,620 square feet, the Lacerte/Warren mansion certainly lives up to that beloved stereotype. Property records show the English-y, ivy covered and multi-winged monster-manse was built in 1992 and includes garaging for 12 cars, 6 bedrooms and 16 terlits** divided among 10 full and 6 half poopers. Have mercy. Your Mama hopes the Warrens get on the telephone to a reputable domestic employment agency right quick because they are going to be in serious need an army of minimum wage gurls to keep all those beds made and terlit bowls dinner plate clean. They will also, presumably, require a busload of well-coiffured and tight-panted nice gay decorators to be up in their new crib spending their money on the sort of swagged drapery, 18th century commodes, porcelain snuff boxes, Fabrege doodads and Louis the Something gewgaws that will make their new money look old.

Unfortunately we know precious few details about the interior spaces of the monster mansion, but there are reportedly loads of elaborate carved woodwork, cast hardware and hand-cut stone, natch. According to Miss Candy's report, the recreation facilities include a racquetball court, an exercise room, a wine cellar and tasting room, a bowling alley, tennis court, a children's play ground, a damn baseball diamond with a lighted scoreboard, a small lake, an orange conservatory next to the interlocking Koi ponds where it is rumored the Lacertes kept more than a million clams worth of Koi and, hold on to your britches kids, a near-Olympic-sized natatorium with adjacent locker rooms. A natatorium! Good grief.

After checking around with a couple of Your Mama's peeps in the Big D we learned that word on the real estate gossip grapevine down Dallas way is that Mister Warren is carrying a fourteen million dollar mortgage on the property. We can not confirm that figure but just thinking about a fourteen million dollar mortgage makes Your Mama need a damn nerve pill.

Preston Holler is one of Dallas' finer and most expensive neighborhoods where many of the swank streets are lined with mansions that make Beverly Hills look like the damn ghetto. The Holler is home to Texas bigwigs like H. Ross Perot, T. Boone Pickens, Mark Cuban, actor Luke Wilson and of course, our esteemed former president George W. Bush and his librarian ladee-mate Laura.

*Your Mama is well aware that the neighborhood is called Preston HollOW and not Preston HollER, but we like saying Holler.

**Since there was no official listing for the property, these figures are from public property records and may or may not reflect an accurate count of bedrooms and poopers.

A Little News About Neverland

According to a well-timed article in the Wall Street Journal, in the months preceding the untimely but not entirely shocking death of Michael Jackson–be honest people, he hadn't looked healthy 10 years–Neverland Ranch was being cleaned up, fixed up and readied for sale by Colony Capital, the real estate investment company that acquired the gigantic Los Olivos, CA estate last year in some sort of joint effort with Mister Jackson to save the property from foreclosure.

Mister Jackson purchased the 2,600 acre property with it's 13,000 square foot Tudor style main house back in 1987 and proceeded to build his own private wonderland that was really more State Fair than private residence.

Since vacating the property in the aftermath of his last child molestation trial in 2005, the zoo has been emptied out, the carnival rides removed and the contents of the house and his personal property catalogued for a highly publicized exhibition and auction that was cancelled at the last minute due to an agreement between the auction house and Mister Jackson's camp.

The status of the objects is in question but it has been reported (somewhere but we don't recall where) that they are (allegedly) in the possession of Mister Jackson's self-proclaimed spokesman and manager Dr. Tohme R. Tohme (who is not a doctor of any kind) and is not the actual physician who lived with Mister Jackson in his $100,000 per month leased mansion in the Holmby Hills. However, if Michael Jackson's history tells us anything, we should expect that (not a) Dr. Tohme will seek to turn a buck from Mister Jackson's belongings and claim it's for the children.

What will become of Neverland Ranch now is any one's guess but, crass as it may be to say out loud, money is money and Your Mama would bet everything we have the good people at Colony Capital, who reportedly think the property is worth in excess of $70,000,000, will make every effort to cash in on their investment in any way can.

Hold on to your boots children, because it's going to get ugly.

Hunky Jason Statham Lists Sexy Hollywood Condo

SELLER: Jason Statham
LOCATION: N. Vine Street, Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $1,395,000
SIZE: 2,140 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Simply the BEST & largest unit in one of the most architecturally significant buildings on W. coast. This *CELEBRITY OWNED* Uber chic loft featrs exquisite upgrades inc. Viking applncs & island, dsgnr bthrms, hrdwd floor, hand carpentered closet & pantry. ONLY the 8th floor features over sized windows to gaze directly at the sparkling lights at Sunset beneath the Hollywood sign nestled behind the iconic Capital records building from your living room, a loft and home that defines sophistication.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday, just before receiving word that Michael "The White Lady" Jackson passed to the other side, Your Mama heard from Mr. Smiley who directed our nosey eyeballs towards a "celebrity owned" condominium in at The Broadway Hollywood building listed for $1,395,000.

Not to toot our own horn or anything but it took Your Mama all of 47 seconds to figure out that the 8th floor loft-condo is owned by British born action flick actor Jason Statham who property records reveal bought the 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom unit in June of 2008 for $1,543,515 which means if our bejeweled abacus is correct, even if Mister Statham gets full price (and that is quite unlikely in today's market) he's take a loss of nearly $150,000.

Mister Statham, a former Olympic springboard diver and moe-dell, has appeared in a long list of films starting with ex-Mister Madonna's Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, the suggestively named Snatch and Revolver. He went on to make a slew of other cinematic gemstones that Your Mama confesses we've never seen nor heard of and, as per his IMDB reh-zoo-may, he is currently a hot property in Tinseltown with three films in production, another announced and two more in development. No wonder he's selling his starter condo...he's probably moving on up to something more worthy of his shooting star.

Let's leave alone the listing agent's loud declaration that the apartment is "CELBRITY OWNED" and move beyond the listing's high-larious hyperbole ("one of the most architecturally significant buildings on the W coast?" Really? It's a nice building, but really? On the entire wes coast?) and try to see the 2,140 square foot apartment for what it is.

The lofty corner unit centers around a large living room area with a wall of tall windows that looks down on gritty Hollywood Boulevard where if you look hard enough you can still find a street walker or two, over the cylindrical Capital Records buildings–which might actually be of the most architecturally significant buildings on the W coast–and towards the famed Hollywood sign. The living room is defined and anchored by colossal snow white sectional sofa wraps around a low, white coffee table both of which sit on a white shag rug. It all looks very "sexy" and lounge-like but, much as we can appreciate a white sofa, this is not a set up that would work well in Your Mama's house because we know deep in our snarky soul that our sassy house gurl Svetlana would rather light that shit on fire than try to keep it clean.

The kitchen has all the right appliances and a large (stainless steel?) island for slicing, dicing, chopping and mixing, but the dramatic mood lighting is really quite silly. Yes chickens, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have indirect lighting in our cookery too, but this kitchen looks like it's trying way to hard to be some sort of velvet rope nightclub rather than a place to boil up some pasta and make a damn tuna sandwich.

At least one of the two "bedrooms" is nothing but a doorless cubby off the living room which means that every passed gas, deep breath or rustle of the sheets can be heard by any and everyone else in the apartment. This is fine if you live alone and bring a plastic titted bimbo or two home every now and then from the too trendy Philippe Starck designed sushi joint Katsuya on the ground floor, but what happens when your damn mother comes for a visit? Larhd have mercy it gives Your Mama the chills up and down our fat back just to think of that.

The master bathroom, a black and white and mirrored cliché of pooper glamour, includes two sinks, shiny black counter tops, a separate tub and shower and acts as passage to a fully customized and fitted walk in closet/dressing room. Custom kitted walk-in closets are always a nice feature but Your Mama is concerned that there is not a window in the bathroom because no matter how powerful that electric vent in the cieling is, the crap smell will still creep into the closet and attach itself to clothes and shooz. Not pretty.

While living up in a condo in the heart of Hollywood is not appealing to many Angelenos any more than that shacking up above Times Square is the residential dream of many New Yorkers, the 10 story Broadway Hollywood building, built in 1927 and used originally as the B.. Dyas Specialty Emporium, is a designated Los Angeles Historic-Cultural Monument (#664) and does offer residents original architectural details and (for better or worse) Kelly Wearstler designed common areas as well as a number of desirable amenities such as valet parking, a fitness center and a swimming pool, spa, sun deck, outdoor fireplace and lounging cabanas up on the roof. It's unclear if the building has a 24/7 doorman, but it should if it don't, okay?

The Broadway Hollywood building opened its doors amid a thunderstorm hype and hoopla at the tail end of the real estate run up in Los Angeles and the frenzy (and some say marketing ploy) brought a lot of big name buyers to the building including Victoria Secret model Emma Henning, the nice gay decorator with the over-processed hair Kenneth Brown (who had been tyring to sell or lease his unit), Charlize Theron, Jack Osbourne, designer Sami Hayek (that would be Salma's brother), Danny Masterson and and that seemingly washed up ladees man Wilmer Valderama. It's unclear to Your Mama is any of these people actually occupy these apartments or if they were "purchased" as investments.

Property records show young Mister Statham also owns a house up on Rising Glen Road in Los Angeles that he bought in June of 2005 for $2,400,000 as well as on ocean front crib in the super celeb friendly and guard gated Malibu Colony that was purchased just a few days ago (in June of 2009) and which we'll discuss at greater length when we have a few minutes.

UPDATE: Lenny Kravitz

After receiving a covert communique from Billy Baldwin (not the actor Billy Baldwin, but another Billy Baldwin) that Shaquille O'Neal had finally sold his shaq on Miami's Star Island, Your Mama spent a little time digging around on the interweb to sort out the haps with dirty looking rock star Lenny Kravitz's recently rehabbed residence on Miami's guard gated Biscayne Point which had been listed for sale in late March of 2009 with an asking price of $2,850,000.

Well butter beans, believe it or not, without a single price reduction the 5,717 square foot house has been sold. According to listing information, the deal has yet to close but even in a slumping real estate market and despite many naysayers saying Mister Kravitz was real estate krazy a deal has been made.

Listing information reveals the house includes 3 bedrooms and 2 full and two half custom marble bathrooms, polished concrete floors and a custom wall of glass that slides open turning the living room into a giant covered porch. The back yard area has been completely tiled in some sort of expensive stone with a rectangular swimming pool and spa sunk between the house and the 1,100 square foot tiled dock.

Unfortunately, Lady Good Fortune is not smiling on Mister Kravitz up in New York City where he has been trying to unload his 6,000 square foot party penthouse on SoHo's cobble stoned Crosby Street. The 5 bedroom and 7 bathroom building topper has been for sale on and off for a good number of years with an asking price as high at $19,500,000 and as low as $12,000,000. Currently the asking price sits at $14,995,000.

UPDATE: Mister Kravitz got $2,450,000 for the property.

UPDATE: Shaquille O'Neal

Hold on to your britches children because according to (not the actor) Billy Baldwin, supah-tall basketball player Shaquille O'Neal's South Beach property saga is over. That's right, Mister Shaq has finally sold his house on Miami's pill-shaped and celebrity stuffed Star Island. For those 4 or 7 children who don't already know the story, see if y'all can follow along Mister Shaq's bumpy real estate road.

The professional dribbler purchased the 19,440 square foot water front beast in 2004 for $18,800,000 and less than one year later flipped it back on the market with an asking price of $32,000,000, a figure which eventually rose to a hair raising $35,000,000 and was later reduced back down to $32,000,000.

Sometime in late 2007, before baseballer Alex Rodriquez filed for dee-vorce and before he was catting around with the Kabbalah Kween Madonna and long before he starting getting bizzy with Hollywood hottie Kate Hudson, word slipped down the real estate gossip grapevine that Mister A-Rod was in contract to buy the lavish but decoratively banal 8 bedroom, 11 full and 3 half pooper pile for somewhere in the $25-27,000,000 range. But alas, like his marriage, Mister A-Rod's deal for the Shaq Shaq did not stick.

In late 2008 Mister and Missus Shaq dropped the asking price to $29,000,000 and after about three years on the market, the real estate weary O'Neals finally and reportedly accepted an offer of $19,000,000 from a wealthy bizness man we heard (but can not confirm) was property developer/Broadway producer Peter Fine. But again...alas...That deal was, too, a no go.

After that debacle, in January of 2009, Mister Shaq's monster manse returned to the market with an asking price of $25,000,000 which was chopped to $22,500,000 in March.

Today, drum roll please, word is getting around that Shaq has finally sold his Shack. In fact, the transaction has closed. Yes, closed. No word yet on who coughed up how much moolah, but the details will surely slip out like water down a slide soon enough. Given that the on again/off again/on again Mister and Missus Shaq (reportedly) accepted an offer of nineteen million in late 2008, Your Mama is hard pressed to believe anyone would pay a penny more than 18 for the place. But we shall see, we shall see.

The last we heard Mister and Missus Shaq were shacking up in a sprawling rented mansion in Paradise Valley, AZ but honestly chickens, we're not sure if they're still living there or if they've moved on to other more permanent digs. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

UPDATE (later same day): News is now leaking out that the Shaq's shaq sold for $16,000,000 which is not only nineteen million less than the thirty-five Mister and Missus Shaq once wanted, it's also according to our bejeweled abacus a bone crushing $2,800,000 less than they paid for the place back in 2004. Just because he's filthy rich, does not mean that don't sting more than just a little.

Who might the buyer be inquiring minds want to know? According to the South Beach Real Estate Blog the buyer is smooth and large chested Russian billionaire Vladislav Doronin, who happens to be the current man-friend of volatile supermodel and phone thrower Naomi Campbell. We hear the fetching–and reportedly married–property tycoon already owns a pied a terre at the swank Setai in South Beach but guess he figured it was time for something more substantial.

Also, Desert Donna heard our earlier cry and whispered in Your Mama's big ol' ear that Shaq and family have in fact vacated the Paradise Valley, AZ house they were leasing and which is back on the market (and being touted as a former residence of Mister Shaq) with an asking price of $3,600,000 after first being listed at $6,500,000. Looks like thinks are tough all over.

Mister Shaq was just this week traded to some team in Cleveland, OH where he will no doubt rake in a mountain of money so all you children living up around Cleveland way ought to be sure to snitch to Your Mama about where he ends up once he settles in.

Madge Wants Chickens in New York?

Your Mama's caveat: This story comes from a recent article in The Mirror, a naughty tabloid paper in the U.K., so make of it what you will children.

As part of her dee-vorce, the Kabbalah Kween (K.K.) was compelled to surrender Ashcombe House to the ex-Mister Madonna Guy Ritchie. Trouble is, the megalomaniac music icon loved Ashcombe House and apparently she misses her old 1,200 acre country estate in Wiltshire.

"Sources" told the people at The Mirror that the K.K. is so busted up over having to move all her cone bras and Pilates outfits out of Ashcombe House that she's documented the Georgian manor house room by room so that she can have her architect(s) and coterie of nice gay decorators re-create the look and feel of Ashcombe House in the triple wide townhouse on the Upper East Side of Manhattan which she's rumored to have purchased for around forty million American clams. (Although the property is no longer available according to Street Easy, we've yet to locate any records of a completed transaction.)

The Mirror's "source" goes on to claim that not only has K.K. sent a crew of underlings out to all the Englishy boo-teeks in Manhattan looking for "candelabras, side tables, and period chaises," she's ripped up the vintage wood floors and replaced them with terracotta tiles similar to those at Ashcombe House and, here's the kicker kids, she reportedly told pals that she'd like to have some chickens...in New York.

We know that as far as real estate snobs are concerned this townhouse is located in the boonies of the Upper East Side, but it isn't really the boonies and if K.K. thinks she's going to have some kind of damn farm up on East 81st Street she is out of her ever loving mind. Roosters on the Lower East Side...sure. Uptown chickens? Hmm. Next thing you know she'll want to put a cow up on the roof for milk and rabbits down in the basement for stew. Pleeze woman, if this is true (and we're not sure it is) you better get a damn grip on yerself before you really stray out into the deep end of reality.

photo: Madonna feeding her chickens at Ashcombe House (Vogue Magazine)

Bob Weinstein Lists and Lowers

SELLER: Bob Weinstein
LOCATION: Central Park West, New York, NY
PRICE: $29,750,000
SIZE: 6,500 square feet (approximately), 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...A grand stairway leads to six large bedrooms, seven and one-half bathrooms, a paneled library, huge family room, formal dining room, superb kitchen, laundry room, two terraces, three fireplaces and four exposures. The numerous custom details include three zoned air conditioning and Crestron system for sound and lighting...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After all the mishegoss yesterday afternoon about Shorty and Mousey Cruise snatching up a townhouse in the West Village, Your Mama is in a New York state of mind so we're going to piggy back on real estate gossip Max Abeleson's recent report regarding movie producer Bob Weinstein listing his big digs at the fabled, fabulous, tri-towered and tri-lobbied Beresford building that architect Emory Roth designed in 1929 to lord over the high-priced corner of Central Park West and West 81st Street.

Some of the children will recall that just a couple of short weeks ago young Mister Abelson snitched that Bob Weinstein quietly heaved his 14 room doo-plex on the market with an asking price of $34,000,000. Apparently there were no deep pocketed buyers at that figure because yesterday Mister Weintstein's Upper West Side sprawler hit the open market with a significantly lower but still blistering asking price of $29,750,000.

Records and reports reveal Mister Weinstein–whose company is much rumored be in a financial freefall–purchased the (approximately) 6,500 square foot doo-plex in September of 2004 for a flat $20,000,000. Although the bulk of the apartment (and both of the terraces) sits on the upper level, the main living areas are on the lower level. There are beautifully done herringbone wood floors throughout the main floor which includes a long foyer with a gently curving stair case, a "coat room" as large as some studio apartments, a living room with fireplace and an adjacent library where the guest pooper and wet bar are located. Behind the foyer is a large playroom and terlit for the kiddies and a barely decorated dining room sits between the foyer and the vaguely Euro-Parisian style eat in kitchen with white cabinets and what appears to be Delft tile crawling up all the walls. A back stair case tucked behind the stove leads to a large laundry room and staff bedroom which not only has its own pooper but will actually accommodate a full sized mattress.

Upstairs a second, book shelf lined library (that's right children, a second library) includes a fireplace and gives access to the smaller of the doo-plex's two terraces. Three large family bedrooms all feature private poopers and a fourth somewhat smaller bedroom/office appears to be lined with book shelves. A well positioned half bathroom in the hallway means not having to trek through a bedroom when nature makes its inevitable call while being psychically and dee-lishusly brutalized by re-runs of The Real Housewives of New Jersey in the upstairs library.

The master suite is entered through an entrance gallery that directs traffic into the vast bedroom or into the master bath. The bedroom stretches nearly 30 feet long with a third fireplace and provides access to the larger of the two terraces. It's a bit of a shame that the doo-plex's largest terrace is only accessible through the master bedroom because who wants to pay twenty or thirty million clams for an apartment only to have to drag guests through the master bedroom when they come over to sip gin and tonics and watch the sun set over New Jersey? The children will also not that the floor plan does not indicate a terlit (or bee-day) in the master bathroom, however we can all be assured that that important apparatus was only forgotten on the floor plan and not in real life. Between the bedroom and bathroom is a large dressing room with built in cabinetry and two happy marriage making walk in closets. One of Your Mama's many unrequested recommendations for a drama-free household is to not share closet space with your spouse. Everyone needs a little private space of their own.

Other notable features include the large pantry off the upstairs laundry room, the three zone air conditioning and the Crestron system that controls lighting and audio. The main drawback, and it's a biggie for an apartment of this cost, is that the unit faces primarily south...good for the light but not so good for views of Central Park which can only be seen obliquely and over the roof top of the Museum of Natural History. Don't misunderstand Your Mama, the view is still quite spectacular, but is it thirty million dollars magnificent? We'll let you and prospective buyers be the judge of that. A second bugaboo is the $10,076 per month maintenance charges which might be pocket change to Richie Rich types, but it's still a lot of dough to cough up each month in addition to whatever mortgage might be obtained.

Even after selling his doo-plex at the Beresford, Mister Weinstein will still be rich with residential real estate. Property records and previous reports indicate that in May of 2009 Mister and Missus Weinstein paid $15,000,000 for a 4-floor townhouse on West 70th Street, in April of 2008 he forked over $1,050,000 for a ground floor one bedroom hideaway on West 67th Street and in January of 2005 he plunked down three million clams for a 2,914 square foot downtown spread in the very same Astor Place building where Mister Max Abelson's baby-faced boss-manJared Kushner–who is, incidentally, afianced to Ivanka Trump–recently scooped up a $3,225,000 crib.

Other famous shareholders at the Beresford include the not so funny anymore Jerry Seinfeld and his baby factory wifey Jessica, former foot-in-her-mouth Cosmopolitan queen bee Helen Gurley Brown, volatile tennis ace John McEnroe, fancy furrier Dennis Basso, wildly rich Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit, legendary film director Sidney Lumet, mustachioed exposé journalist John Stossel and Academy Award winning actress Glenn Close who in May of 2005 paid $6,025,000 for a two-bedroom, two-terraced penthouse apartment that once belonged to closeted movie stud Rock Hudson.

UPDATE: Tom Cruise

If the children will put on their thinking caps and go back to May 28, 2009, they will recall that Your Mama passed on a bit of rumor and gossip that we received from Famous Freddie about Tinseltown-based actor Tom Cruise and his baby maker Katie Holmes buying a six story townhouse on West 12th Street in Manhattan's West Village neighborhood (pictured above).

Well puppies, it seems Your Mama opened a can of worms because now, three weeks later, the rumors are piling up like cars at the junkyard with new reports on Curbed, Gawker, and in the Village Voice who actually sent a reporter around to dish with a few of the all-knowing doormen on the bizzy but beautiful block.

Although two Cruise family mouthpieces adamantly deny there is any correctness to the canard, one chatty doorman on the block told the nosey peeps at the Village Voice that the new owner–whom he refused to name and whom records reveal paid $15,075,000 for the 8,113 square foot townhouse in April of 2009–will not be around much because he'll be filming in Los Angeles and that the new owner bought the house for his wifey who was recently in a Broadway show. Sure sounds like Shorty and Mousey Cruise to Your Mama* but until Famous Freddie rings Your Mama hollering about how he just spied the first family of Scientology sitting on the stoop sweating out a hot summer night like real New Yorkers then it's just real estate scuttlebutt.

Since Shorty Cruise's crib in the American Felt building on East 13th Street is barely big enough to fit his over-sized ego, it makes sense that he the The Mouse would want and need bigger digs to accommodate them, their trio of Scientolochildren and their retinue of minders, handlers, family members, body guards and ass kissers.

*New York Magazine fairly (and rather cleverly) sussed out that other buyers could include Julia Roberts and Danny Moder, not yet married Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy and Neil Patrick Haris and David Burtka who are reportedly getting ready for a gaybee.

Joan Rivers Lists Connecticut Country House

SELLER: Joan Rivers
LOCATION: White Oaks Road, New Milford, CT
PRICE: $6,500,000
SIZE: 5,730 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stone & clapboard sprawling country house. High standards. Incredible taste. Swimming pool. Pool house. Caretaker's cottage. Barn/garage. Pond. Amazing Views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In late May of 2009, much nipped and tucked comedienne Joan Rivers hoisted her Manhattan penthouse apartment on the market with a toe curling asking price of $25,000,000. It was reported in the New York Times that Miz Rivers put the apartment on the market because she plans to spend more time on the West Coast where her also much nipped and tucked look-alike daughter Melissa lives in the Pacific Palisades area of Los Angeles.

All the real estate gossips and celebrity watchers wondered if Miz Rivers, who bulldozed her way to winning the most recent season of The Celebrity Apprentice, would also list her country house in lovely Litchfield County, CT. And she has, with folks at Klemm Real Estate, for $6,500,000.

Property records and previous reports indicate Miz Rivers scooped up her multi-parcel estate in New Milford which totals more than 75 acres in December of 2000 for $1,438,400. The existing house on the property, according to Miz Rivers in a February 2003 article in Architectural Digest (requires registration) was, "the ugliest house [she'd] ever seen. It looked like a Denny's." So she hired a retail merchandising queen friend of hers named Joe to give the place a full face lift and turn into a "small and cozy" house where her beloved pooches could get up on the sofas with impunity.

The "squat" mid-century modern style house was razed except for the foundation, a few stone columns and the sizable stone fireplace in the living room. The result of the redo is, according to property records and listing information, a 5,760 square foot single story stone and clapboard sprawler with 4 bedrooms, 4.5 Carrara marble bathrooms, 22-foot ceilings, 100 year old chestnut wood beams, four fireplaces and a dozen or more French doors that open to a free-form stone terrace that stretches along the back the house and looks out over a bucolic vista of rolling lawns, old-growth trees and the mountains in the distance.

Although Miz Rivers posseses a mouth as foul as they come and she can shred a person as quickly and easily as she can slice through fresh bread with a sharp knife, she's actually a woman of discerning style and traditional decorative taste as is evidenced by the acres of fringed and mismatched Scalamandré fabrics, 18th century bird engravings, Hudson River School paintings, antique doo-hickeys, picture frames and dust collecting gew-gaws that clutter up almost every damn flat surface in the house.

Although we are not entirely convinced Miz Rivers even eats, there is none the less a large country kitchen with a soaring beamed ceiling, bacteria collecting butcher block counter tops, distressed wood floors, a lot of white cabinetry and a full complement stainless steel appliances. Sitting high above the stove top and hood is a large oil painting and shelves with pewter looking this and thats that Your Mama imagines are caked with cooking grease and hopes are stuck down with museum putty lest they fall off and crack Cook's head right open.

In the Architectural Digest article Mrs. Rivers says about her cotton candy pink and blush colored bedroom, "This is the bedroom every little girl wants." Do we even need to tell the children that it makes Your Mama queasy just to think of a senior citizen doing up her bedroom as a gurlish fantasy? The only thing worse is when a grown woman (or man) has stuffed animals on their beds which is just plain creepy, desperate and wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Far more upsetting than a grandma having a bedroom decorated for a pre-pubescent gurl, however, is the mirrored and marbled master pooper where a pair of female Blackamoors with with ferns on their damn heads flank the bath tub. We do not care that these statues are from the set of Babs Streisand's Hello, Dolly!, they still give Your Mama goose bumps but not in a good way.

Not pictured or mentioned in listing information, but lovingly lauded in the Architectural Digest article, is a decoratively whimsical (if sort of silly) hallway lined with antique mirrors and trompe l'oeil windows that depict the homes of some of Miz Rivers' hoity-toity friends and family including Prince Charles's Highgrove. Your Mama is dying to know if Miz Rivers hauls out her potty mouth when sitting around sipping Chardonnay with Prince Charles and his former mistress turned wifey Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall.

The extensive grounds include an (approximately) 1,200 foot long driveway ending in a large circular drive, a detached barn/garage (just try to imagine Miz River's driving a car without getting hysterical) and a vast expanse of grass that rolls down to a private pond. Away from the back of the house and tucked into a stand of trees is a swimming pool and pool house. If there is anything more comical than trying to imagine Joan Rivers piloting an automobile, it's Joan Rivers paddling around her pool in a demure swimsuit and flowered bathing cap.

Miz Rivers moving is without a doubt the East Coast's loss and the West Coast's gain and we imagine that Miz Rivers and her drum tight and increasingly Madame-esque face will soon be sitting in the back of a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce touring multi-million dollar homes in Los Angeles. We're on pins and needles waiting to hear from one of our informants what she buys and look forward to our invite to the house warming.

UPDATE: Jeana Keough

Looks to Your Mama like someone finally hit Real Housewife of Orange County Jeana Keough with the smart stick. The children will recall that just last week the OC Register was reporting on Miz Keough's financial pickle which resulted in Notices of Default being filed on at least one of her four Orange County properties.

After reportedly receiving a loan modification on the family manse in Coto de Caza (and perhaps getting loan mods on her other properties too) Miz Keough took to the newspapers and thanked her bankers, facialist, hair dressers, bikini waxers and butt wipers for keeping her looking good through the tough times and revealed that she was considering listing her "$6.5 million house [that] is now worth $5 million."

Well my beautiful butter beans, Miz Keough did indeed list her (approximately) 8,000 square foot monster with an asking price of $5,500,000. Listing information reveals the house has 7 bedrooms including two master suites, one of which includes a "retreat," balcony, and dual bathrooms (one with a bee-day) and walk in closets. Listing information shows the house includes 6 full poopers, 2 three-quarter poopers and 1 one-quarter pooper which is enough to employ a part time terlit gurl 2 to 3 days a week.

Other interior amenities include formal living and dining rooms, a 2-person office with a view of the hillside, a gore-may kitchen that is open to the large family room with built in wet bar, second floor game room, library, exercise room and a separate guest casita. There are at least 4 fireplaces, a steam room, travertine floors, and a central vacuuming system the would make our dour house gurl Svetlana crack a rare smile.

Exterior features include a stamped concrete driveway, gated interior motor court with garaging for six automobiles, Gunite swimming pool and spa, covered patios, outdoor fireplace and fire pit, a bbq center, dog run, sport court and a triangular stretch of flat lawn area for naked croquet tournaments.

In addition to her big house in Coto de Caza, Miz Keough has also listed a condominium in Irvine, CA with an asking price of $725,000. Property records show Missus Keough and her soon to be ex-huzband Matt paid $767,000 for the 2,280 square foot condo on Secret Garden in October of 2004. A few flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus reveals that even if Miz Keough gets full asking price for the 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom unit–which is highly unlikely–she's still going to take a $42,000+ loss on the property.

Miz Keough recently announced that she did not think she would not be returning to the fifth season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. There were reports of contract disputes and outrageous demands on the part of Miz Keough.

Tater Salad Selling in Montecito Too

SELLER: Ron White
LOCATION: E. Mountain Drive, Montecito, CA
PRICE: $3,595,000
SIZE: 2,290 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This property is an A+ location in Montecito's Golden Quadrangle and is surrouned by major estates. Situated on a private meandering drive by the San Ysidro Ranch is this beautifully remodeled single level home with stunning ocean and island views on 3.25 acres. This home is comprised of three bedrooms all with views to the gardens and the ocean beyon

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Earlier today Your Mama discussed the over-moulded mansion of scotch sweating comedy man Ron White and his wifey Barbara in Soo-wah-nee, GA which they listed in late 2008 and currently carries an asking price of $3,495,000. As it turns out, one of Ronnie and Barb's other posh properties is also on the market, this one in the hoity toity hills above Montecito, CA.

Property records show that Barbara and Ron White–who the children now know goes by the nose scrunching and eye watering nickname of Tater Salad–snatched up his Santa Barbara hideaway in May of 2006 for $3,750,000 which means, according to our bejeweled abacus, that the 3.25 acre spread is listed for $255,000 less than Mister and Missus Salad paid for the place.

Located near the newly rehabbed and quietly famous San Ysidro Ranch and near the top of a winding private drive lined with much more impressive and far more expensive properties, the west coast White house sits on 3.25 hillside acres and measures a relatively modest 2,290 square feet according to property records and includes 2 ocean view bedrooms and 2 poopers in addition to the master bedroom that opens through three dark wood-framed sliding doors to a private terrace with long views over the tree tops and to the Pacific Ocean.

The living room features a Saltillo tile floor, a wood burning fireplace, glass doors that open to a Sunset view terrace, soft pea green walls that probably make everyone look like they're about the vomit and a number of brown leather sofas and glass and wrought iron tables that give the place a distinct generic quality. The walls in the garden view dining room and the ocean view gore-may kitchen are painted various shades of pea green, aqua and tur-quawze which we can only assume are meant to mimic the various shades of azure of the ocean.

The kitchen, while not to our taste style wide, does feature a huge window over the sink which we're certain Svetlana would appreciate and the appliances are all sufficiently high grade to justify the three plus million clam asking price. While we do acknowledge that the work island is a handy dandy piece of kitchen equipment and we are beside ourselves with glee not to see a dirty pot rack having above it, the carved corbels are way to country and way to faux-elegant for what is otherwise a wall distributed kitchen.

In addition to the covered terrace where Your Mama could happily whittle away the evening flipping through gossip glossies, sipping gin and tonics and watching the sun set while our nasty pussy Sugar purrs in our lap, a chain link fence surrounded flat lawn area makes for an excellent dog run for out long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly.

Your Mama is going to leave the children to speculate and gossip about why Mister and Missus Tater Salad would list two fancy houses (one at less than they paid) in a lackluster market such a short time after purchasing them.

Tater Salad Selling in Suwanee

SELLER: Ron White
LOCATION: Whitestone Way, Suwanee, GA
PRICE: $3,495,000
SIZE: 6,395 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite estate home with the finest attention to detail throughout. Overlooking 4th green, home features marble inlayed foyer, liv. rm/office w/ fp, opulent, great.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The children have prolific informant and friend Aerial Dave to thank for bringing Your Mama's oft distracted attentions to a big ol' over-processed mansion-house in suburban Atlanta, GA owned by scotch swilling, cigar puffing and pot smoking comedian Ron White that was listed for sale in December of 2008 with an asking price of $3,495,000. It's also listed for $2,995,000. We don't know why it's listed at two different prices, but we're guessing that the higher price includes all the flummoxing furnishings.

Mister White rose to the peak of the stand up comedy heap starting back in 2000 when he participated in the obscenely lucrative Blue Collar Comedy Tour with friends and fellow funny men Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable guy who is, of course, the wildly rich redneck responsible for coining that ubiquitously moronic phrase "Git 'er done" that just about everyone but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter thinks is high-lariously funny. Back in 2006, the two time Grammy nominated Mister White lit out on his own with a money-making tour cleverly called Ron White: You Can't Fix Stupid. Say what you will about Mister White and his particular brand of base and low brow observational comedy, but the man is right. You just can't fix stupid. You really can't.

Property records show that in February of 2005 Mister White–who goes by the unfortunate but funny and entirely unflattering nickname Tater Salad–and his wifey Barbara spent $2,697,300 of their funny man money on an uber-traditional house on the 4th green in a gated golf course community in Suwanee, GA called The River Club. Listing information and property records reveal the White house weighs in at 6,397 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 8 terlits spread across 6 full and 2 half bathrooms.

The White house on Whitestone Way was built in a kind of a mullet style with an over-articulated but unassuming 1.5 story front facade that becomes a full three floors of architectural extravaganza at the back. A paver stone circular drive leads to a wide set of stone steps that rise to the front porch. The front doors open to a meant to impress the guests style double height entrance hall with a couple of columns and wrought iron balconies, an inlaid marble floor, a truck load of oppressively heavy mouldings and, rather bizarrely, a couple Blackamoors with chandeliers for hats, an old-timey but questionable decorative choice at best.

According to listing information the home's main rooms include a formal living room/office/study with a fireplace, a dining room where for some unknown reason the curtain material matches the material on the dining room chairs, a "great room" with a forest's worth of carved paneling that spills into a paneled breakfast room which in turn opens to a commodious kitchen punished with all manner of carved corbels, unnecessary chingaderos and decorative wood treatments that all together make Your Mama dizzy with fright. We do, however, approve of the mac-daddy range that is bigger than a damn Mercedes. The master bedroom includes a church worthy ceiling, a massive chandelier, a big fireplace, bordello worthy drapery, a marble and carved wood bathroom, and a gigantic walk-in closet/dressing room with built in cabinetry.

The stone floored "terrace level," according to listing information, includes a media room/thee-ay-ter, a sitting room, a second sitting room with a built in bar and more leather wing back chairs than out to be in one room at one time, a third sitting room with a massive stone fireplace and French doors opening to the rear terraces, and a billiard room with carved paneling, another honeycomb style coiffured ceiling, and yet another fireplace. Because this is Mister White's house, there is at least one behemoth built in cigar humidor for all his see-gars. Listen kids, we think people should be allowed to smoke whatever they want to smoke even if it is a big stinky cigar. However, does anyone besides Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter see anything homoerotically suggestive about a man wrapping his lips around a fat cigar and, uh, sucking?

But we digress from the real estate matter at hand, Your Mama understands the exuberant day-core of the White house will be the height of taste and elegance for any number of people who aspire to living in a suburban mansion in a ritzy golf course community. However, all the heavy molding and carved paneling and elaborate fireplace screens and swagged drapery just makes Your Mama feel claustrophobic and like we need a damn nerve pill to settle our vibrating eye balls.

The grounds of the White house include a motor court with a three car attached garage, several covered outdoor living and dining areas including one with a built in bbq center and outdoor fireplace, a free-form lagoon style pool and spa with a rock waterfall and stone terracing. All that separates the back yard from the golf course is an iron fence that is not enough to keep the prying eyes of men in plaid pants who chase little white balls around manicured lawns from being able to peep in the windows of the White house and/or watch Mrs. White sunbathe nood by the pool.

Property records show that Mister and Missus White also own a handful of properties in Tennesee, a 2,180 square foot house in a gated development in San Antonio, TX that they bought in Sept. of 2004 and another multi-million dollar property high in the hills above swanky Santa Barbara, CA which spreads across 3.25 acres and that they bought in May of 2006 for $3,750,000 and which is also currently on the market with an asking price of $3,595,000.