Madge Wants Chickens in New York?

Your Mama's caveat: This story comes from a recent article in The Mirror, a naughty tabloid paper in the U.K., so make of it what you will children.

As part of her dee-vorce, the Kabbalah Kween (K.K.) was compelled to surrender Ashcombe House to the ex-Mister Madonna Guy Ritchie. Trouble is, the megalomaniac music icon loved Ashcombe House and apparently she misses her old 1,200 acre country estate in Wiltshire.

"Sources" told the people at The Mirror that the K.K. is so busted up over having to move all her cone bras and Pilates outfits out of Ashcombe House that she's documented the Georgian manor house room by room so that she can have her architect(s) and coterie of nice gay decorators re-create the look and feel of Ashcombe House in the triple wide townhouse on the Upper East Side of Manhattan which she's rumored to have purchased for around forty million American clams. (Although the property is no longer available according to Street Easy, we've yet to locate any records of a completed transaction.)

The Mirror's "source" goes on to claim that not only has K.K. sent a crew of underlings out to all the Englishy boo-teeks in Manhattan looking for "candelabras, side tables, and period chaises," she's ripped up the vintage wood floors and replaced them with terracotta tiles similar to those at Ashcombe House and, here's the kicker kids, she reportedly told pals that she'd like to have some chickens...in New York.

We know that as far as real estate snobs are concerned this townhouse is located in the boonies of the Upper East Side, but it isn't really the boonies and if K.K. thinks she's going to have some kind of damn farm up on East 81st Street she is out of her ever loving mind. Roosters on the Lower East Side...sure. Uptown chickens? Hmm. Next thing you know she'll want to put a cow up on the roof for milk and rabbits down in the basement for stew. Pleeze woman, if this is true (and we're not sure it is) you better get a damn grip on yerself before you really stray out into the deep end of reality.

photo: Madonna feeding her chickens at Ashcombe House (Vogue Magazine)

Bob Weinstein Lists and Lowers

SELLER: Bob Weinstein
LOCATION: Central Park West, New York, NY
PRICE: $29,750,000
SIZE: 6,500 square feet (approximately), 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...A grand stairway leads to six large bedrooms, seven and one-half bathrooms, a paneled library, huge family room, formal dining room, superb kitchen, laundry room, two terraces, three fireplaces and four exposures. The numerous custom details include three zoned air conditioning and Crestron system for sound and lighting...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After all the mishegoss yesterday afternoon about Shorty and Mousey Cruise snatching up a townhouse in the West Village, Your Mama is in a New York state of mind so we're going to piggy back on real estate gossip Max Abeleson's recent report regarding movie producer Bob Weinstein listing his big digs at the fabled, fabulous, tri-towered and tri-lobbied Beresford building that architect Emory Roth designed in 1929 to lord over the high-priced corner of Central Park West and West 81st Street.

Some of the children will recall that just a couple of short weeks ago young Mister Abelson snitched that Bob Weinstein quietly heaved his 14 room doo-plex on the market with an asking price of $34,000,000. Apparently there were no deep pocketed buyers at that figure because yesterday Mister Weintstein's Upper West Side sprawler hit the open market with a significantly lower but still blistering asking price of $29,750,000.

Records and reports reveal Mister Weinstein–whose company is much rumored be in a financial freefall–purchased the (approximately) 6,500 square foot doo-plex in September of 2004 for a flat $20,000,000. Although the bulk of the apartment (and both of the terraces) sits on the upper level, the main living areas are on the lower level. There are beautifully done herringbone wood floors throughout the main floor which includes a long foyer with a gently curving stair case, a "coat room" as large as some studio apartments, a living room with fireplace and an adjacent library where the guest pooper and wet bar are located. Behind the foyer is a large playroom and terlit for the kiddies and a barely decorated dining room sits between the foyer and the vaguely Euro-Parisian style eat in kitchen with white cabinets and what appears to be Delft tile crawling up all the walls. A back stair case tucked behind the stove leads to a large laundry room and staff bedroom which not only has its own pooper but will actually accommodate a full sized mattress.

Upstairs a second, book shelf lined library (that's right children, a second library) includes a fireplace and gives access to the smaller of the doo-plex's two terraces. Three large family bedrooms all feature private poopers and a fourth somewhat smaller bedroom/office appears to be lined with book shelves. A well positioned half bathroom in the hallway means not having to trek through a bedroom when nature makes its inevitable call while being psychically and dee-lishusly brutalized by re-runs of The Real Housewives of New Jersey in the upstairs library.

The master suite is entered through an entrance gallery that directs traffic into the vast bedroom or into the master bath. The bedroom stretches nearly 30 feet long with a third fireplace and provides access to the larger of the two terraces. It's a bit of a shame that the doo-plex's largest terrace is only accessible through the master bedroom because who wants to pay twenty or thirty million clams for an apartment only to have to drag guests through the master bedroom when they come over to sip gin and tonics and watch the sun set over New Jersey? The children will also not that the floor plan does not indicate a terlit (or bee-day) in the master bathroom, however we can all be assured that that important apparatus was only forgotten on the floor plan and not in real life. Between the bedroom and bathroom is a large dressing room with built in cabinetry and two happy marriage making walk in closets. One of Your Mama's many unrequested recommendations for a drama-free household is to not share closet space with your spouse. Everyone needs a little private space of their own.

Other notable features include the large pantry off the upstairs laundry room, the three zone air conditioning and the Crestron system that controls lighting and audio. The main drawback, and it's a biggie for an apartment of this cost, is that the unit faces primarily south...good for the light but not so good for views of Central Park which can only be seen obliquely and over the roof top of the Museum of Natural History. Don't misunderstand Your Mama, the view is still quite spectacular, but is it thirty million dollars magnificent? We'll let you and prospective buyers be the judge of that. A second bugaboo is the $10,076 per month maintenance charges which might be pocket change to Richie Rich types, but it's still a lot of dough to cough up each month in addition to whatever mortgage might be obtained.

Even after selling his doo-plex at the Beresford, Mister Weinstein will still be rich with residential real estate. Property records and previous reports indicate that in May of 2009 Mister and Missus Weinstein paid $15,000,000 for a 4-floor townhouse on West 70th Street, in April of 2008 he forked over $1,050,000 for a ground floor one bedroom hideaway on West 67th Street and in January of 2005 he plunked down three million clams for a 2,914 square foot downtown spread in the very same Astor Place building where Mister Max Abelson's baby-faced boss-manJared Kushner–who is, incidentally, afianced to Ivanka Trump–recently scooped up a $3,225,000 crib.

Other famous shareholders at the Beresford include the not so funny anymore Jerry Seinfeld and his baby factory wifey Jessica, former foot-in-her-mouth Cosmopolitan queen bee Helen Gurley Brown, volatile tennis ace John McEnroe, fancy furrier Dennis Basso, wildly rich Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit, legendary film director Sidney Lumet, mustachioed exposé journalist John Stossel and Academy Award winning actress Glenn Close who in May of 2005 paid $6,025,000 for a two-bedroom, two-terraced penthouse apartment that once belonged to closeted movie stud Rock Hudson.

UPDATE: Tom Cruise

If the children will put on their thinking caps and go back to May 28, 2009, they will recall that Your Mama passed on a bit of rumor and gossip that we received from Famous Freddie about Tinseltown-based actor Tom Cruise and his baby maker Katie Holmes buying a six story townhouse on West 12th Street in Manhattan's West Village neighborhood (pictured above).

Well puppies, it seems Your Mama opened a can of worms because now, three weeks later, the rumors are piling up like cars at the junkyard with new reports on Curbed, Gawker, and in the Village Voice who actually sent a reporter around to dish with a few of the all-knowing doormen on the bizzy but beautiful block.

Although two Cruise family mouthpieces adamantly deny there is any correctness to the canard, one chatty doorman on the block told the nosey peeps at the Village Voice that the new owner–whom he refused to name and whom records reveal paid $15,075,000 for the 8,113 square foot townhouse in April of 2009–will not be around much because he'll be filming in Los Angeles and that the new owner bought the house for his wifey who was recently in a Broadway show. Sure sounds like Shorty and Mousey Cruise to Your Mama* but until Famous Freddie rings Your Mama hollering about how he just spied the first family of Scientology sitting on the stoop sweating out a hot summer night like real New Yorkers then it's just real estate scuttlebutt.

Since Shorty Cruise's crib in the American Felt building on East 13th Street is barely big enough to fit his over-sized ego, it makes sense that he the The Mouse would want and need bigger digs to accommodate them, their trio of Scientolochildren and their retinue of minders, handlers, family members, body guards and ass kissers.

*New York Magazine fairly (and rather cleverly) sussed out that other buyers could include Julia Roberts and Danny Moder, not yet married Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy and Neil Patrick Haris and David Burtka who are reportedly getting ready for a gaybee.

Joan Rivers Lists Connecticut Country House

SELLER: Joan Rivers
LOCATION: White Oaks Road, New Milford, CT
PRICE: $6,500,000
SIZE: 5,730 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stone & clapboard sprawling country house. High standards. Incredible taste. Swimming pool. Pool house. Caretaker's cottage. Barn/garage. Pond. Amazing Views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In late May of 2009, much nipped and tucked comedienne Joan Rivers hoisted her Manhattan penthouse apartment on the market with a toe curling asking price of $25,000,000. It was reported in the New York Times that Miz Rivers put the apartment on the market because she plans to spend more time on the West Coast where her also much nipped and tucked look-alike daughter Melissa lives in the Pacific Palisades area of Los Angeles.

All the real estate gossips and celebrity watchers wondered if Miz Rivers, who bulldozed her way to winning the most recent season of The Celebrity Apprentice, would also list her country house in lovely Litchfield County, CT. And she has, with folks at Klemm Real Estate, for $6,500,000.

Property records and previous reports indicate Miz Rivers scooped up her multi-parcel estate in New Milford which totals more than 75 acres in December of 2000 for $1,438,400. The existing house on the property, according to Miz Rivers in a February 2003 article in Architectural Digest (requires registration) was, "the ugliest house [she'd] ever seen. It looked like a Denny's." So she hired a retail merchandising queen friend of hers named Joe to give the place a full face lift and turn into a "small and cozy" house where her beloved pooches could get up on the sofas with impunity.

The "squat" mid-century modern style house was razed except for the foundation, a few stone columns and the sizable stone fireplace in the living room. The result of the redo is, according to property records and listing information, a 5,760 square foot single story stone and clapboard sprawler with 4 bedrooms, 4.5 Carrara marble bathrooms, 22-foot ceilings, 100 year old chestnut wood beams, four fireplaces and a dozen or more French doors that open to a free-form stone terrace that stretches along the back the house and looks out over a bucolic vista of rolling lawns, old-growth trees and the mountains in the distance.

Although Miz Rivers posseses a mouth as foul as they come and she can shred a person as quickly and easily as she can slice through fresh bread with a sharp knife, she's actually a woman of discerning style and traditional decorative taste as is evidenced by the acres of fringed and mismatched Scalamandré fabrics, 18th century bird engravings, Hudson River School paintings, antique doo-hickeys, picture frames and dust collecting gew-gaws that clutter up almost every damn flat surface in the house.

Although we are not entirely convinced Miz Rivers even eats, there is none the less a large country kitchen with a soaring beamed ceiling, bacteria collecting butcher block counter tops, distressed wood floors, a lot of white cabinetry and a full complement stainless steel appliances. Sitting high above the stove top and hood is a large oil painting and shelves with pewter looking this and thats that Your Mama imagines are caked with cooking grease and hopes are stuck down with museum putty lest they fall off and crack Cook's head right open.

In the Architectural Digest article Mrs. Rivers says about her cotton candy pink and blush colored bedroom, "This is the bedroom every little girl wants." Do we even need to tell the children that it makes Your Mama queasy just to think of a senior citizen doing up her bedroom as a gurlish fantasy? The only thing worse is when a grown woman (or man) has stuffed animals on their beds which is just plain creepy, desperate and wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Far more upsetting than a grandma having a bedroom decorated for a pre-pubescent gurl, however, is the mirrored and marbled master pooper where a pair of female Blackamoors with with ferns on their damn heads flank the bath tub. We do not care that these statues are from the set of Babs Streisand's Hello, Dolly!, they still give Your Mama goose bumps but not in a good way.

Not pictured or mentioned in listing information, but lovingly lauded in the Architectural Digest article, is a decoratively whimsical (if sort of silly) hallway lined with antique mirrors and trompe l'oeil windows that depict the homes of some of Miz Rivers' hoity-toity friends and family including Prince Charles's Highgrove. Your Mama is dying to know if Miz Rivers hauls out her potty mouth when sitting around sipping Chardonnay with Prince Charles and his former mistress turned wifey Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall.

The extensive grounds include an (approximately) 1,200 foot long driveway ending in a large circular drive, a detached barn/garage (just try to imagine Miz River's driving a car without getting hysterical) and a vast expanse of grass that rolls down to a private pond. Away from the back of the house and tucked into a stand of trees is a swimming pool and pool house. If there is anything more comical than trying to imagine Joan Rivers piloting an automobile, it's Joan Rivers paddling around her pool in a demure swimsuit and flowered bathing cap.

Miz Rivers moving is without a doubt the East Coast's loss and the West Coast's gain and we imagine that Miz Rivers and her drum tight and increasingly Madame-esque face will soon be sitting in the back of a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce touring multi-million dollar homes in Los Angeles. We're on pins and needles waiting to hear from one of our informants what she buys and look forward to our invite to the house warming.

UPDATE: Jeana Keough

Looks to Your Mama like someone finally hit Real Housewife of Orange County Jeana Keough with the smart stick. The children will recall that just last week the OC Register was reporting on Miz Keough's financial pickle which resulted in Notices of Default being filed on at least one of her four Orange County properties.

After reportedly receiving a loan modification on the family manse in Coto de Caza (and perhaps getting loan mods on her other properties too) Miz Keough took to the newspapers and thanked her bankers, facialist, hair dressers, bikini waxers and butt wipers for keeping her looking good through the tough times and revealed that she was considering listing her "$6.5 million house [that] is now worth $5 million."

Well my beautiful butter beans, Miz Keough did indeed list her (approximately) 8,000 square foot monster with an asking price of $5,500,000. Listing information reveals the house has 7 bedrooms including two master suites, one of which includes a "retreat," balcony, and dual bathrooms (one with a bee-day) and walk in closets. Listing information shows the house includes 6 full poopers, 2 three-quarter poopers and 1 one-quarter pooper which is enough to employ a part time terlit gurl 2 to 3 days a week.

Other interior amenities include formal living and dining rooms, a 2-person office with a view of the hillside, a gore-may kitchen that is open to the large family room with built in wet bar, second floor game room, library, exercise room and a separate guest casita. There are at least 4 fireplaces, a steam room, travertine floors, and a central vacuuming system the would make our dour house gurl Svetlana crack a rare smile.

Exterior features include a stamped concrete driveway, gated interior motor court with garaging for six automobiles, Gunite swimming pool and spa, covered patios, outdoor fireplace and fire pit, a bbq center, dog run, sport court and a triangular stretch of flat lawn area for naked croquet tournaments.

In addition to her big house in Coto de Caza, Miz Keough has also listed a condominium in Irvine, CA with an asking price of $725,000. Property records show Missus Keough and her soon to be ex-huzband Matt paid $767,000 for the 2,280 square foot condo on Secret Garden in October of 2004. A few flicks of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus reveals that even if Miz Keough gets full asking price for the 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom unit–which is highly unlikely–she's still going to take a $42,000+ loss on the property.

Miz Keough recently announced that she did not think she would not be returning to the fifth season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. There were reports of contract disputes and outrageous demands on the part of Miz Keough.

Tater Salad Selling in Montecito Too

SELLER: Ron White
LOCATION: E. Mountain Drive, Montecito, CA
PRICE: $3,595,000
SIZE: 2,290 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This property is an A+ location in Montecito's Golden Quadrangle and is surrouned by major estates. Situated on a private meandering drive by the San Ysidro Ranch is this beautifully remodeled single level home with stunning ocean and island views on 3.25 acres. This home is comprised of three bedrooms all with views to the gardens and the ocean beyon

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Earlier today Your Mama discussed the over-moulded mansion of scotch sweating comedy man Ron White and his wifey Barbara in Soo-wah-nee, GA which they listed in late 2008 and currently carries an asking price of $3,495,000. As it turns out, one of Ronnie and Barb's other posh properties is also on the market, this one in the hoity toity hills above Montecito, CA.

Property records show that Barbara and Ron White–who the children now know goes by the nose scrunching and eye watering nickname of Tater Salad–snatched up his Santa Barbara hideaway in May of 2006 for $3,750,000 which means, according to our bejeweled abacus, that the 3.25 acre spread is listed for $255,000 less than Mister and Missus Salad paid for the place.

Located near the newly rehabbed and quietly famous San Ysidro Ranch and near the top of a winding private drive lined with much more impressive and far more expensive properties, the west coast White house sits on 3.25 hillside acres and measures a relatively modest 2,290 square feet according to property records and includes 2 ocean view bedrooms and 2 poopers in addition to the master bedroom that opens through three dark wood-framed sliding doors to a private terrace with long views over the tree tops and to the Pacific Ocean.

The living room features a Saltillo tile floor, a wood burning fireplace, glass doors that open to a Sunset view terrace, soft pea green walls that probably make everyone look like they're about the vomit and a number of brown leather sofas and glass and wrought iron tables that give the place a distinct generic quality. The walls in the garden view dining room and the ocean view gore-may kitchen are painted various shades of pea green, aqua and tur-quawze which we can only assume are meant to mimic the various shades of azure of the ocean.

The kitchen, while not to our taste style wide, does feature a huge window over the sink which we're certain Svetlana would appreciate and the appliances are all sufficiently high grade to justify the three plus million clam asking price. While we do acknowledge that the work island is a handy dandy piece of kitchen equipment and we are beside ourselves with glee not to see a dirty pot rack having above it, the carved corbels are way to country and way to faux-elegant for what is otherwise a wall distributed kitchen.

In addition to the covered terrace where Your Mama could happily whittle away the evening flipping through gossip glossies, sipping gin and tonics and watching the sun set while our nasty pussy Sugar purrs in our lap, a chain link fence surrounded flat lawn area makes for an excellent dog run for out long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly.

Your Mama is going to leave the children to speculate and gossip about why Mister and Missus Tater Salad would list two fancy houses (one at less than they paid) in a lackluster market such a short time after purchasing them.

Tater Salad Selling in Suwanee

SELLER: Ron White
LOCATION: Whitestone Way, Suwanee, GA
PRICE: $3,495,000
SIZE: 6,395 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exquisite estate home with the finest attention to detail throughout. Overlooking 4th green, home features marble inlayed foyer, liv. rm/office w/ fp, opulent, great.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The children have prolific informant and friend Aerial Dave to thank for bringing Your Mama's oft distracted attentions to a big ol' over-processed mansion-house in suburban Atlanta, GA owned by scotch swilling, cigar puffing and pot smoking comedian Ron White that was listed for sale in December of 2008 with an asking price of $3,495,000. It's also listed for $2,995,000. We don't know why it's listed at two different prices, but we're guessing that the higher price includes all the flummoxing furnishings.

Mister White rose to the peak of the stand up comedy heap starting back in 2000 when he participated in the obscenely lucrative Blue Collar Comedy Tour with friends and fellow funny men Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable guy who is, of course, the wildly rich redneck responsible for coining that ubiquitously moronic phrase "Git 'er done" that just about everyone but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter thinks is high-lariously funny. Back in 2006, the two time Grammy nominated Mister White lit out on his own with a money-making tour cleverly called Ron White: You Can't Fix Stupid. Say what you will about Mister White and his particular brand of base and low brow observational comedy, but the man is right. You just can't fix stupid. You really can't.

Property records show that in February of 2005 Mister White–who goes by the unfortunate but funny and entirely unflattering nickname Tater Salad–and his wifey Barbara spent $2,697,300 of their funny man money on an uber-traditional house on the 4th green in a gated golf course community in Suwanee, GA called The River Club. Listing information and property records reveal the White house weighs in at 6,397 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 8 terlits spread across 6 full and 2 half bathrooms.

The White house on Whitestone Way was built in a kind of a mullet style with an over-articulated but unassuming 1.5 story front facade that becomes a full three floors of architectural extravaganza at the back. A paver stone circular drive leads to a wide set of stone steps that rise to the front porch. The front doors open to a meant to impress the guests style double height entrance hall with a couple of columns and wrought iron balconies, an inlaid marble floor, a truck load of oppressively heavy mouldings and, rather bizarrely, a couple Blackamoors with chandeliers for hats, an old-timey but questionable decorative choice at best.

According to listing information the home's main rooms include a formal living room/office/study with a fireplace, a dining room where for some unknown reason the curtain material matches the material on the dining room chairs, a "great room" with a forest's worth of carved paneling that spills into a paneled breakfast room which in turn opens to a commodious kitchen punished with all manner of carved corbels, unnecessary chingaderos and decorative wood treatments that all together make Your Mama dizzy with fright. We do, however, approve of the mac-daddy range that is bigger than a damn Mercedes. The master bedroom includes a church worthy ceiling, a massive chandelier, a big fireplace, bordello worthy drapery, a marble and carved wood bathroom, and a gigantic walk-in closet/dressing room with built in cabinetry.

The stone floored "terrace level," according to listing information, includes a media room/thee-ay-ter, a sitting room, a second sitting room with a built in bar and more leather wing back chairs than out to be in one room at one time, a third sitting room with a massive stone fireplace and French doors opening to the rear terraces, and a billiard room with carved paneling, another honeycomb style coiffured ceiling, and yet another fireplace. Because this is Mister White's house, there is at least one behemoth built in cigar humidor for all his see-gars. Listen kids, we think people should be allowed to smoke whatever they want to smoke even if it is a big stinky cigar. However, does anyone besides Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter see anything homoerotically suggestive about a man wrapping his lips around a fat cigar and, uh, sucking?

But we digress from the real estate matter at hand, Your Mama understands the exuberant day-core of the White house will be the height of taste and elegance for any number of people who aspire to living in a suburban mansion in a ritzy golf course community. However, all the heavy molding and carved paneling and elaborate fireplace screens and swagged drapery just makes Your Mama feel claustrophobic and like we need a damn nerve pill to settle our vibrating eye balls.

The grounds of the White house include a motor court with a three car attached garage, several covered outdoor living and dining areas including one with a built in bbq center and outdoor fireplace, a free-form lagoon style pool and spa with a rock waterfall and stone terracing. All that separates the back yard from the golf course is an iron fence that is not enough to keep the prying eyes of men in plaid pants who chase little white balls around manicured lawns from being able to peep in the windows of the White house and/or watch Mrs. White sunbathe nood by the pool.

Property records show that Mister and Missus White also own a handful of properties in Tennesee, a 2,180 square foot house in a gated development in San Antonio, TX that they bought in Sept. of 2004 and another multi-million dollar property high in the hills above swanky Santa Barbara, CA which spreads across 3.25 acres and that they bought in May of 2006 for $3,750,000 and which is also currently on the market with an asking price of $3,595,000.