Tory Burch's Mind Blowing Hamptons Shuffle

SELLER: Tory Burch
LOCATION: Meadow Lane, Southampton, NY
PRICE: $17,900,000
SIZE: 6,053 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Breathtaking 360-degree views of ocean and the bay from this expansive 4.5+- property with 202+- ft. of direct ocean frontage. Existing home with pool and garage, and approved plans for stunning 7-bedroom/9 bath, 7,100+- sf timeless beach house designed by architect Daniel Romualdez. Breathtaking 360 degree views of ocean and bay from this oceanfront home on Meadow Lane.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As fer as Your Mama sees it, fashion dee-ziner/New York City gal about town Tory Burch's taste in rich and famous huzbands and boyfriends is only matched by her affinity for high-priced trophy real estate. Before we get to dishing on the Hamptons house that the deep-pocketed dee-vorcee recently listed for $17,900,000, let Your Mama give y'all a bit of background on our blondie Miz Burch.

The born-rich, Philadelphia bred philly's first marriage to real estate mogul Billy Macklowe lasted less than a year. In the mid-1990s she hitched herself to filthy rich venture capitalist Chris Burch with whom she produced three boy piglets. Not long after the picture perfect couple decided on a dee-vorce in 2006, Miz Burch moved on to Tour de France titan Lance Armstrong, a very well publicized rebound relationship that only lasted a few months. Since then, Miz Burch has selected Warner Music bigwig Lyor Cohen to squire her notoriously well dressed booty to scads of charity events and international hot spots.

Lest any of you people think Miz Burch ain't nothin' but a gold digger, please keep in mind that that prior to Mister Burch, the ladee did PR for some seriously big name fashion folks like Ralph Lauren and Vera Wang. Since then, the entrepreneurial Miz Burch created and currently owns and runs a wildly successful and eponymous clothing empire.

Now then, let's move on to the real estate and begin with the oceanfront estate in Southampton, NY that Miz Burch recently heaved on to the market with an asking price of $17,900,000. Although there are reports that Mister and then Missus Burch purchased the property in 2005 from theater mogul Jimmy Nederlander Sr. for $14,000,000, based on the prop records we looked at it appears to Your Mama that Mister Burch and a bizness partner named Todd Morley actually snatched up the property way back in April of 1998 for $2,300,000. Honestly chickens, we're not entirely sure which scenario is accurate. Although shock-jock Howard Stern and his blondie Beth Ostrosky leased the house in the summer of 2007, it's mostly unclear by whom and for what purpose the property was used since 1998. However, after trying to unload the property post-dee-vorce for around $25,000,000, property records show that Mister Burch sold the 4.5+- acre ocean front set up to his ex-wifey in July of 2008 for $22,500,000.

According to prop records and current listing information, the architecturally unsuccessful and visually upsetting Meadow Lane modern meets traditional Hamptons shingled cottage measures 6,053 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 8 poopers. The property includes a huge circular gravel drive, a three car garage, huge expanses of lawn, bay and ocean views, an ocean side gunite swimming pool, 202+- feet of ocean frontage and a wood plank walkway from the back deck and across the dunes to the water's edge.

The property, located at the far western end of snazzy and expensive Meadow Lane, sits directly across from the Southampton helipad where rich people who do not care to commute to their weekend homes by private car–or horror of horrors, by Jitney–are deposited after their short helicopter hops from Manhattan and Greenwich, CT. While it might be nice to be able to walk home from said helipad, this proximity assures that the Miz Burch's for sale manse on Meadow Lane suffers from more than a little noise pollution on busy summer weekends. Other wealthy and notable names on Meadow lane include hotel honcho Ian Schrager, financier Teddy Forstmann and leveraged buyout bigwig Henry Kravis.

Miz Burch, apparently none too tickled with the existing residence, spent a lot of time and money planning and getting approval to knock down the awkward looking house and replace it with a more traditional, shingled Southampton style beach "cottage" with paneled shutters, chunky square columns, covered verandas with diagonal pattern railings, and striped awnings. The planned and approved manse was to measure approximately 7,100 square feet and include 7 bedrooms and 9 poopers. The planned house was designed by architect Daniel Romualdez, the same gentleman responsible for doing up Miz Burch's unusually prodigious pad at the Pierre. More on that hunk of Holy Mary Mother of God real estate later.

Listen chickens, if Your Mama has said it once we've said it a million or more times, rich people are all kinds of fickle when it comes to their real estate doings, even if feeding their real estate beast means losing a mountain of money. No example, perhaps, supports our entirely unscientific theory better than Miz Burch's recent real estate whirlwind out in the Hamptons. If all the records are accurate, it only takes a few flicks of the well-worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus to see that even if Miz Burch and her real estate people manage to sell the Meadow Lane property at full price, she's still looking at a gastrointestinal issue inducing $4,600,000 loss plus the few hundred thousand in fat fees that will need to be paid to the real estate people.

Lo-ward have mercy, Your Mama needs a minute and a nerve pill to let that financial flushing soak in, particularly when we take into account that despite her looming and leviathan loss on the Meadow Lane manse, Miz Burch still has the finances and the real estate chutzpah to enter into a contract to purchase Westerly, the old Howard Gittis estate on Southampton's Ox Pasture Road.

Your Mama discussed the 15.4 acre estate in Southampton's hoity-toity estate section in January of 2008 when the 15,000-ish square foot, 25-room gorgeous Georgian was hoisted on to the market with a tongue blistering asking price of $59,000,000. Listing information for the historic 7 bedroom and 8.5 pooper palace, last listed at a gut punching $45,000,000, indicated the property had, "subdivision potential which makes this an exceptional opportunity for a user or investor." Although Your Mama is not clear on where the parcel lines are drawn, recent reports on Miz Burch's alleged purchase of the property all say that she picked up the part with the mansion and a neighbor snagged an adjacent vacant parcel in order to guarantee there was not further development to the land. It's also not clear what Miz Burch will be paying for the property, but previous reports suggest both deals came in at around $40,000,000, combined. The children can safely bet their own houses that the bulk of that forty million came out of Miz Burch's capacious coffer.

Back in New York City, when married Mister and ex-Missus Burch and their boys occupied an insanely large and impossibly chic Daniel Romualdez designed 9,000 square foot sprawler at the posh Pierre on 5th Avenue, a dee-luxe spread that Miz Burch still owns and occupies post dee-vorce. Unless she's had the place redone since 2007, Miz Burch's nest at the Pierre has a drawing room wrapped in moss green velvet walls, a dining room with lacquered orange walls and faux-tortoise trim work, and a master bedroom in which the walls are stenciled with the same pattern as the Fortuny fabric bed linens.