UPDATE: Madonna

Juicy details about the overhaul of pop superstar Madonna's new townhouse on the Upper East Side of Manhattan are starting to slip down the real estate gossip grapevine and into the tabloids. The children who haven't completely ruined their memories with the dope will recall that The Kabbalah Kween (heretofore known as K.K.) splashed out a bone chilling $32,500,000 for the hulking house on East 81st Street.

The first to let it rip with the nitty-gritty of K.K. re-do was the New York Post who reported that building permits filed with the city of New York show the cost of planned renovations at a costly but not unheard of $1,700,000, pocket change for the massively moneyed Madge.

Just what is the K.K. got planned for her new pad the butter beans want to know? To begin with, she's adding another floor to her already 5 story high, triple wide Georgian style townhouse that will add 1,614 square feet to the existing 12,233 square feet. A few flicks of the well worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows that K.K. will soon have a total of 13,847 square feet of living space, plus an approximately 3,000 square foot garden, elevator, a private, attached 2-car garage for pap thwarting entrances and exits, and a sitting room with wet bar for security personnel, hers and those of her guests. At least part of the basement will get a wine cellar and a playroom for K.K. cabal of kiddies.

K.K.s' plans reportedly entail converting the entire third floor over to her private quarters that will include a boo-dwar flanked by a huge, celebrity-sized walk-in closet and a prodigious and well-equipped pooper. Also on the third floor, according to plans, will be a hair salon, a separate closet for luggage storage (nice!), and a second master suite, presumably for whatever young man K.K. woos into her web. All told, according to the New York Post article, there will be 10 bedrooms and and unlucky 13 poopers, which means, thank heavens, that no amount of money K.K. could possibly offer will entice our intensely suspicious house gurl Svetlana to jump ship because ol' Sveta won't even look at a house with 13 of anything let along go inside and scrub terlits.

Your Mama has heard rumors that K.K. is having her current crib in New York, a multi-unit combination spread on the Upper West Side, quietly shopped around for an insane amount of money, but honestly buttons, Your Mama's sources on this one just aren't that reliable so we don't recommend any of y'all run around gossiping about that because the truth is Your Mama don't know nuthin' about a turnip from K.K.'s plans for her Art Deco-fied current digs.

Your Mama Hears...

...through the Beverly Hills celebrity real estate grapevine that the reason entertainment mogul/real estate size queen Tyler Perry, who made much of his many millions working it on the silver screen as a sassy and saggy boobed old woman named Madea, wants to sell his über modern mansion at the tippy top of the bird streets above Sunset Strip is because he's building and even bigger house on a 22-acre spread in Beverly Hills.

Mister Perry purchased the 22-acre property behind the guarded gates of the swank and showy Beverly Ridge community in April of 2004 for an undisclosed amount of money. He began building his multi-winged dream mansion but soon after the foundation was poured, some steel framing erected, and the tennis court pad graded Mister Tyler caught a case of The Real Estate Fickle and hoisted the property and the unfinished mansion on the market with an asking price of $15,000,000. Listing information from the time stated that plans were for a boo-teek hotel sized 22,000 square foot Tuscan style home. Although the property was featured on the first season of Bravo's Million Dollar Listing it was not identified as belonging to Mister Tyler and in October of 2007 Your Mama heard through the gossip grapevine that Mister Tyler showed his big Bev Hills spread to Puff Diddle (or Diddy Diddle or Fiddle Puff or whatever his name is) but no deal was consummated.

At some point, around the middle of 2008 as best as we can surmise, Mister Perry caught another case of The Real Estate Fickle because the 22-acre property was taken off the market and construction resumed with the idea, we hear, that this will be Mister Perry's rarely used west coast crib. But Your Mama ain't holding our breath because if history is any predictor of the future we'd not be least bit surprised if mercurial Mister Perry changed his damn mind and decided to flip this beehawtcha back on the market and buy a new damn house in Malee-boo–where he did once own a ocean front getaway that he sold in the spring of 2007. Phew!

The relatively new and totally nouveau riche Beverly Ridge community is home to a number of other hoity toity big name sorts including Alexis Carson–that would be Johnny's insanely rich widow, and former professional pigskinner turned interior decorator Keyshawn Johnson. It's also the same community where Paris Latsis, heir to a great Greek shipping, banking, and oil fortune, once bought a mansion for he and then fiancée Paris Hilton to live. However, like all of Miss Hilton's high profile romances with far less famous men, her short lived relationship with Boy Paris swirled down the terlit of love.

In early 2009, Atlanta-based Mister Perry heaved his Fairburn, GA home–all 17,252 square feet it–on the market with an asking price of $3,695,000 so that he could move to an even bigger, (approximately) 30,000 square foot monument to his wealth and success on 17 suburban Atlanta acres overlooking the Chatahootchie River. Mister Perry's Fairburn mansion no longer appears to be on the open market, but property records show it's still taking up space in his bulging real estate portfolio.

The Bouwerie Lane Building Ballyhoo

Buckle your safety belts butter beans and grab a bit of sustenance because Your Mama plans on taking a somewhat circuitous route through this one.

Today, just like everybody else, Your Mama's going to jump on the Bouwerie Lane Theatre building real estate bandwagon that the New York Post's resident celebrity real estate gossip Jennifer Keil has been yakking about all week.

Before we dive into that bit of celebrity real estate bizness, let's get side tracked a for a few moments, shall we? Many moons ago, when the Dr. Cooter and Your Mama first began the discussions and negotiations about hitching our wagons and moving in together, we looked at and seriously considered leasing a 5th floor apartment in the Bouwerie Lane Theatre building on the corner of Bowery and Bond Street. At that time, while not exactly skid row anymore, the Bowery had yet to become The Bowery where well to do hipsters and glammy gals in $600 stilettos slum it in multi-million dollar condos. As we recall–and poodles, it's not easy for Your Mama to remember these things after all the water under the bridge and booze down the gullet in the intervening years–we considered leasing a half floor, corner unit with two vast, light filled rooms, a squalid kitchen and a pooper that would have taken our tough talking house gurl Svetlana the better part of a week to scrub clean. The asking price was $5,000 per month, a small fortune but, children, it's New York City. Can't stomach the insanely high prices? Don't. Live. There.

In the end, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter passed on loft living and opted for a far less bohemian 3 bedroom doo-plex in a West Chelsea doorman building where a fair number of famous folks also lived. At the time, the resident celebs included Nicole Kidman, Tim Gunn (who wears clogs!), Lorraine Bracco, Susan Sontag (until she passed on to the great feminist in the sky), fashion dee-ziner John Bartlett and his three legged dog Tiny Tim, Blondie's Debbie Harry, and the dee-voon ginger haired actress Katherine Helmond.

Anyhoo, getting back to the matter at hand, the landmarked, cast iron Bouwerie Lane Theatre building was bought for $15,000,000 in 2007 by well-known New York property developer Adam Gordon and renamed with the minimalist and unimaginative moniker 54 Bond. Like he has with several previous projects, Mister Gordon had the good sense to hire soo-blime (st)architect Steven Harris who performed a serious hocus pocus on the property converting what was once an iconic and beautiful but ratty building on the Bowery into an iconic and gleaming machine for modern living that manages to maintain much of the look, feel, panache, and patina of the historic structure.
The Bouwerie Lane...er 54 Bond building, according to marketing materials, has long been attractive to famous folks and former occupants include musical genious Eubie Blake, deep voiced singer Pearl Bailey, artists Lynda Benglis and Brice Marden, chesty siren Jane Russell, Oscar nominated actor Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), and the wacky gap-toothed goddess Lauren Hutton.

The post-renovation condo conversion continues to attract the attention of a number of celebs who have kicked the tires of the sexy, triplex penthouse (above) that carries a hefty asking price $15,400,000. First there was debonair British actor Hugh Grant (the Bridget Jones series, Love Actually, Notting Hill), then came well formed Scottish actor Gerard Butler (RocknRolla, 300, Beowulf & Grendel, The Phantom of the Opera), who Your Mama regrets to inform is reported to be hooking it up and doing the dirty bizness–again–with SCRAM bracelet wearing tabloid train wreck Lindsay Lohan. Really Mister Gerard? Really? All that fame and fortune and you want to go there?

Anyhoo, today Miz Keil reveals that curly coiffured actress Sarah Jessica Parker, she-ra of the Sex and the City franchise and producer of Bravo's new reality program Work of Art: The Next Great Artist and her two time Tony winning Broadway baby huzband Matthew Broderick have together and separately toured the $15,400,000 penthouse no fewer than four times.

According to marketing materials, the posh penthouse pad that picayune Miss Parker has been circling measures 4,863 square feet on the inside and another 1,277 square feet outside. The penthouse has several dozen windows with restoration glass, reclaimed Belgian Oak chevron pattern wood flooring imported from France, lofty 10'4' ceilings, pocket doors, a fireplace in the living room, 2 full eat-in kitchens with hideously expensive La Cornue and Aga brand appliances, and two roof top terraces, one with an approximately $3,000 Fuego brand barbecue and a the other with custom built in Ipe planters and seating.

Amenities in the building, which contains 3 residential units plus two retail spaces and a basement–listed at $1,900,000–where someone could install a swimming pool, include video surveillance, key-card elevator access, high-speed wiring, a virtual doorman (whatever that is), and optional valet parking.

According to Miz Keil, pocket-sized Miss Parker is interested not only in the triplex penthouse but also the 2,274 square foot full floor unit on the fourth floor, currently priced at $4,950,000. Fortunately for Miss Parker, the fourth floor and the triplex penthouse are being offered by the developer for the somewhat discounted but still blood curdling price of $19,900,000, an expensive option petite Miz Parker and Mister Broderick are said to be interested. The combined quadruplex would measure an elephantine 7,137 square feet and depending on how it's configured include 5-7 bedrooms and, easily, 7 poopers including the two glammy terliting, bathing, and dressing facilities in the 6th floor master suite.

However, according to Miz Keil, toy poodle sized Miz Parker and Mister Broderick are only interested in that particular option if the fourth floor (below) is provided to them by the developer free of charge, like some sort of real estate bonus for coughing up fifteen and some million for the triplex penthouse. Your Mama has no idea if that particular real estate rumor has any veracity, but iffin it do, it probably goes without saying that Miss Parker clearly has some bad-ass real estate cajones.
Some developers would surely jump at the chance to unload two high priced condo units at one time, particularly in a lackluster market but Your Mama sort of doubts Mister Gordon will grab at Miss Parker's (alleged) offer. Let's just call it a hunch. Miz Parker must also think Mister Gordon is having none of her free 4th floor bizness because the actress was seen last week touring a West 12th Street townhouse last on the sales market in 2008 with an asking price of $24,900,000 and on the rental market in early 2010 with a $42,000 per month price tag.

One has to wonder why Miss Parker and Mister Broderick even need a new house considering they already own a lovely Greenwich Village townhouse where they've lived since the dawn of time.

As a digression of little import or value, back when Your Mama first moved to New York City, all wide-eyed and dewy skinned, we developed a bit of a fascination with the S.J.P. The first year Your Mama lived in New York we shared a teeny-tiny triplex penthouse apartment on far West 49th Street with a beautiful and mercurial lunatic we knew from our university days. In an effort to steer clear of the whirling dervish that was our roommate, we spent a lot of time out and about and, hand to God, it seemed like everywhere we went we ran into Miss Sarah Jessica Parker. There she was at Bar Pitti having a bite and there she is sitting next to Your Mama at Shakespeare in the Park. There we are nearly spilling our gin & tonic on her at a film premiere party at some photo studio in the Meatpacking District and there she is stepping into a cab on Lower Fifth Avenue. And there she is again at Barney's, unsuccessfully attempting to look discreet in a floppy hat and woman with a past sunglasses. We were–in our boozy haze–convinced we were destined to befriend the pint sized Miss Parker. But alas, it never happened and we're quite certain that Miss Parker, who was quite cordial when we apologized for bumping into her, never even gave Your Mama a second glance let alone recognized that we were seeing each other around town on a regular basis.

After that first year or so, as quickly as she entered our orbit–or we hers–Your Mama never again laid our real eyes on the pee-wee Miss Parker. However, it seems somehow fitting, a full real estate circle sort of thing, natch, that Miss Parker is now flirting with living up in the very same building that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter once considered living. Okay, it's a stretch, but it's early and Your Mama is off the booze this week, so hush up.

Weekend This and Thats

1.
Your Mama's a little late to the rodeo on this one, but in case y'all missed it, details about porn purveyor Bob Guccione's old Manhattan townhouse–bought by hedge hog Phil Falcone and his wife Lisa Maria for $49,000,000–are starting to seep out of the limestone.

Among other ridiculously dee-luxe amenities, the Falcone's 25,000+ square foot double-wide townhouse mansion will have two elevators–one for the staff, natch–a swimming pool, and a press room. No puppies, that's not a room for on-site publicity peeps, but a room in the basement where Lurleen the Laundress will spend her days and nights ironing sheets and working the stains our of the Falcone's napkins and undergarments.

Another tidbit about the townhouse that Your Mama found inneresting, is that one of Missus Falcone's two dressing rooms will include a wet bar just in case the ladee of the house feels like getting drunk while getting dressed. Lo-urhd knew we do sometimes.

2.
Brace yourselves butter beans because another "housewife" from The Real Housewives of New Jersey has hoisted her hideous home on the market.

Earlier this week a listing for too tan Teresa Giudice's church of conspicuous consumption popped up that showed her mansion listed at $3,999,999. Tee-tee subsequently tweeted that her mansion of marble is not for sale and the online listing has since vanished. Make of that what you will.

This time it's former stripper turned suburban soccer mom turned sex tape maker Danielle Staub. Miz Staub, a woman who comes off on her reality program as being about as stable as an earthquake, had her house on the market in the fall of 2009 for $1,495,000. It's now back on the market at with a hugely reduced asking price of $1,095,000.

Maybe Danielle and Tee-tee should consider going in together on an affordable two-family in Union City or something. Ugh.

3.
The deal is reportedly done on property developer Mohamed Hadid's insanely ginormous Bel Air mansion Le Belvedere. However he's being a bit cagey on the final sale price of the 10 bedroom and 14 pooper property telling the L.A. Times only that the buyer paid between fifty and $72,000,000.

Transaction records have yet to clear but while peeping and poking around the public property records this morning, Your Mama unexpectedly turned up an unexplained name on some recent records, that of a man named Sarp Turanligil. A quick search on the interweb indicates there is a man named Sarp Turanligil who is the chairman of Divan Hotels, a Turkish hotel group.

Listen puppies, Your Mama is not sure if the Mister Turanligil shown on the property records is the same Mister Turanligil of Divan Hotels. We're also not sure if Mister Turnaligil's name showing up in the property/title records is some sort of error, if he was an investor in the property, loaned Mister Hadid money, or if perhaps he's the deep pocketed buyer.

Basically we don't know nuthin' other than that name now appears on the property records. Time will tell and we shall see.

UPDATE: Records show the house transferred for fifty million clams.

4.
Although he may be living there all by his lonesome, the very contemporary Jupiter Island, FL home being built by bed hopping professional golfer Tiger Woods looks like it's nearing completion. Like his nearby neighbor Celine Dion's new Jupiter Island home/water park, Tiger's got two side by side swimming pools too.

Tiger's spread includes a 10,000 square foot main house and a 9,500 fitness facility that recent reports reveal will include an oxygen therapy room, whatever the hell that is.

5.
Legendary country crooner–and plastic surgery victim–Kenny Rogers has hoisted two Georgia mansions on the market. One beast of a house in the Buckhead area of Atlanta previously carried and asking price of $7,950,000 and is now listed at $5,900,000, and another, a kind of Polynesian paradise sort of place located just outside of Athens, is listed at $3,200,000.

6.
In other Hotlanta celebrity real estate news, actress/activist/fitness video maker/born again Christian Jane Fonda listed her Atlanta, GA loft condo a just over a month ago with an asking price of $4,500,000. Somebody must have hit her with the sensible stick because thanks to Georgia Justwantsyalltoknow Your Mama has learned that Miz Fonda Vadim Hayden Turner has slashed the price of her 4,700 square foot doo-plex by a whopping $2,000,000. The 3 bedroom and 3 pooper condo with it's bee-zar womb-like entrance hall is now listed at a far more reasonable $2,500,000.

Your Mama's west coast sources say that big, bad Barbarella has leased herself a dumpy 1 bedroom apartment in the star-studded Sierra Towers building in Los Angeles where her neighbors include other old-school divas such as Cher, Elton John and Joan Collins.

Scarlett Johansson: Bayou Babe?

Details are suspiciously slim at this point but Your Mama figures we better get on this particular celebrity real estate train before it's a dead horse: Apparently, or at least according to bazillions of recent reports, quirky actress Scarlett Johansson (Iron Man, Vicky Christina Barcelona, Lost in Translation) and her muscled man-mate Ryan Reynolds (X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Chaos Theory, Zeroman, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle) have purchased a home in the beautiful but oil besieged state of Louisiana.

Your Mama knows nuthin', nada, zilch about this alleged property purchase other than the few tidbits we've read on the interweb, which is that RyJo–is that what the tabs call them?–scooped up some sort of farm spread with a modest and squat looking quasi-colonial style house punished with a brick faced first floor and a yellow clapboard covered second story trimmed with a most unpleasant shade of mint. Other amenities of the ScarRey farmette are reported to include a detached carport with additional attached living quarters, and a rusty ol' corrugated metal barn that looks like it could blow over from the vibrating of a rider mower or a stiff wind.

Some reports say that Miss Johansson and Mister Reynolds are in the process of giving their new farm a face lift that includes fixin' the rusty ol' corrugated metal barn and adding solar heating and other eco-friendly this and thats. However, no report we've seen calls out a purchase price or, it should be noted, identifies the location of the couple's alleged new homestead. We think it may be near Layfayette, LA but, like we said before, Your Mama don't know a fact from a fingerling potato about this one.

Anyhoo, iffin this real estate rumor is true, the comely couple become the newest members of the Celebrity Real Estate Club of Loowheezeeanna. They join the Spears clan in Kentwood, global do-gooders and occasional actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who own but rarely occupy a 6 bedroom and 4.5 pooper mansion in the French Quarter of New Orleans, and Oscar winning actress and new mommy Sandra Bullock who recently left her cheatin' huzband Jesse James to lick his wounds and god only knows who else in California and decamped to New Orleans where she owns a big ol' Victorian in the Garden District.

All the Chicken Littles and celebrity real estate watchers know that in addition to this (alleged) real estate mitzvah, Miss Johansson still has some serous real estate woes back in Los Angeles. In 2007 she forked over $7,000,000 for a big Mediterranean style house in the Outpost Estates neighborhood and proceeded to spend additional funds on updating and upgrading the property. But alas, by early 2010 Miss Johansson had caught an uncontrollable case of The Real Estate Fickle and hoisted the 4 bedroom and 5.5 pooper property back on the market with an asking price of $4,995,000. The asking price subsequently plummeted to its current number of $4,500,000, representing and teeth chattering and knee buckling potential loss of at least $2,500,000.